Today I had a good hard cry in the lactation room while pumping and scarfing down a microwave enchilada that I dug out of my floorboard. The cry was brought on not by sadness, but rather the sheer emotional exhaustion I feel lately from juggling a return to my career, children, marriage, running a nonprofit organization, and maintaining a semblance of a social life.
Each part of my life just takes work. I'm not "nailing it" in any area-which proves to be a bit draining in itself. However, after my release I feel a sense of clarity and peace brought on by the assertion that I'm getting through all if it.
I feel like one of the most apparent lessons in my life right now is learning how to embrace the middle/muddle. Middle meaning the journey in between the start and the outcome. Muddle because that's how I'm getting through. Often it's not graceful in a world of change and uncertainty. You just have to keep taking one step at a time. Sometimes you move forward and sometime you go backwards. Frankly, sometimes it's just good to pause and think for a minute.
In a world where powering through is rewarded (on the other side of the challenge), muddling is awkward. It takes humility. It teaches us to rely on others for guidance. It helps us to be okay with not knowing all of the answers and allows us to recognize and value those who do know some of them.
I know several friend who are muddling right now. Whether its parenting, trying to get caught up financially, transitioning between one community to another, salvaging a troubled relationship, suffering with health issues, grieving a loved one, working through career challenges, we all must muddle through. It's not going to be graceful everyday, but every day is another day of progress. Don't rush through. Don't be fearful.
I am grateful that I can cling to the Promise that God is here through the mess and through the glory. He will get me through the hard stuff--on His strength.
As I wrap up my lunch break I find it ironic that I forgot to turn my nursing cover around. I'm tempted to walk out with my cape on and take on the world. But instead, I think I'll avoid awkward this time & just rely on my Savior to carry me through the day.
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