This Christmas has brought more joy to me this year than ever before. I believe that my time reading the Bible has helped my heart realize the power in God's sovereignty and the fact that my life is truly in His hands--even the day-to-day, what am I gonna wear, how is that gonna happen stuff that I tend to worry about. In years past, as hard as I tried, I still couldn't shake the guilt of not buying enough and the remorse of spending money on toys that captured my kid's attention for a couple of hours then ended up in the floor (curse you strategically displaced Legos that I step on in the dark). I also struggled with the time that I spent shopping online, coupled with the time I didn't spend on decorating the house enough. So much guilt (and it's stirring up inside of me now).
But God has unbound my heart and opened my eyes to the gift of enough. He is Enough. I realize how crazy and Christian-y this sounds, but I have experienced real, life-altering joy that I didn't understand in past seasons.
Before, I was stuck in a Martha world. A long list of to-dos, emails to respond to in real-time, sales to close/ conference calls/ meetings to attend on maternity leave, 2-3 events per night after working all day & before coming home to my family, etc. None of these things alone are bad. They are all highly valued by the American culture that we live in. But keeping up with the busyness of life, left no margin for networking with the Creator of the World.
So I trusted that He was Enough and followed His calling by faith. It's been close to 7 months now. When I left, I gave myself 3 months to sit at the feet of Jesus and get to know Him and my family better. This was very difficult for me. I felt comfortable with busy. I loved closing deals, connecting people, coming up with big ideas and making them happen. Now I was closing the toilet bowl (continuously), chasing little people, coming up with big plans and watching them crash and burn. And the paycheck. Earning a living was empowering and validating, it fit my pretty packaged plan. But God called me to trust, to put aside all of these things that I packaged that defined me. He said I. AM. Enough. And I decided to spend a lifetime of sitting at His feet in service, seeking Him--not my own ambitions.
The gift of freedom from fitting in my self-made feminist mold brings such peace and joy. There's no wall to break down or tower to build---just the invitation to have faith in the Power that fearfully & wonderfully made us and equipped us to do good works. I have found much success and personal growth in simply getting to know my children better and helping them discover that they are created to join Christ in a marvelous adventure as well.
And while my house is decorated a little more than it was last year, the presents are intentionally sparse, leaving room for new traditions, less clutter and more time spent getting to know the One we're celebrating. No guilt, more gifts (spiritual) and a New Birth that offers so much more than any present money can buy.